MOOism is something like a religion: it has Ceremonies
and Rituals and even Gods and
Goddesses (and asexual sectual beings). More importantly than that, it
has a major heresy, and as we all know, only religions have heresies.
The Major Heresy of MOOism is the Heresy of the Hound, so named because it
was The Hellhound >101< who popularized it.
The Heresy of the Hound is the true name of the Pudding
Cult. Unfortunately, the blasphemous nature of the Heresy is so vile and
repugnant that I dare not even describe its repulsive doctrines, for fear
of corrupting the innocent, and condemning myself to eternal hellfire (see,
we ARE a religion) and suffering in the soul-wrenching pits of Pittsburgh.
Minor heresies, such as the now-defunct cults of QUACK, Beaver, Happy-Happy,
Vortexianism, the Church of Cat Bondage, The Temple of the Primordial Penguin,
and the Fire-Hydrant Liberation Waffle, are hardly worthy of mention, except
to point out that the Church of MOO, as most successful religions do, has
absorbed the competition and made it part of itself. This means that, like
most religions, the Church of MOO is full of self-contradictory beliefs and
doctrines. This is fine: it only serves to validate us as a REAL church.
Like most religions, MOOism is hardly original: its ancestors include the
Church of the SubGenius (who are much funnier than we are, because WE seek
the Middle Path and the Way of the Buddha... Honest), and Discordianism,
which has been alternately described as a religion masquerading as a joke,
and a joke masquerading as a religion.
MOOism is neither of these things. It's a real religion, not masquerading
as anything. And anyone who tells you otherwise is a no-good dumbo-nothing,
and you should hit them. Besides, they probably aren't even a MOOist, and
anyone who isn't a MOOist is a Snacky. And the fate of all snackies is to
be devoured by the Cow, in the form of War, Crime, AIDS, and Cheez Whiz.
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