The Calendar of the Temple of the Primordial Penguin

As Written By Thee Upper Dingbat To Thee Temple Ov Thee Primordial Penguin

Namely, that guy who ofted goes by the name Taco - Lloyd Taco - not to be confused with Floyd Gecko, who is someone else entirely and utterly denies any responsibility for any of this crap - and who the hell do you think YOU are anyway, asking questions about the evil Lloyd Taco - you want a run-in with the Men In Blue? Hey LOOK, buddy, I'm just trying to HELP you here, okay?


A year DPP (Date Of The Primordial Penguin) is measured from the time the Penguin first created this calendar in The Game. This occurred in what is commonly called 14807 BC in the Heathen Calendar. Since then, time has been marked off into sections of 6,709.5 years. This is the sacred number of the Penguin. This period is called a CYCLE. It is divided into nine ERAS, which are divided into nine SEASONS, which are of roughly 83 years in length.
The CYCLES, SEASONS, and ERAS are given names, which are shown below:

00001st: Chaos
00002nd: Discord
00003rd: Revelation
00004th: Confusion
00005th: Irritation
00006th: Worry
00007th: Anger
00008th: Fear
00009th: Bliss

These are the most prominent influence at work on hBLATTTory at the time. Thus, to compare to the Heathen Calendar, based on the birth of ChrBLATTT; the year of the beginning of the First Temple took place in the First Period of hBLATTTory, in Revelation, Irritation, Irritation (shortened to 1: Rev.Irr.Irr. or just 1355) in the 65th year (thus 135565 DPP), which compared to 1991, the year given in the Heathen Calendar. Clearly, the Calendar of the Penguin is far more precise in its description not only of WHEN the year is, but also WHAT the year is like.
At the time of transition from one CYCLE, SEASON, or ERA to another, festivities are held. However, since this does not always occur on a particular day (the ERAS not being exactly 83 years long), this festive occasion is not marked in the lBLATTT of sacred days below. Thus, we have no "New Year". The GNU Year happens once every 82 5/6 years. So we mark which "year" of the season we are in from each vernal equinox.
The Penguin Calendar has relatively little to do with astronomical stuff, and so there is no leap-day, years are exactly 365 days, and so on. If it diverges from the REAL calendar, tough shit. It's meant to be used in space as well as on Earth. Anyway:

There are 5 concurrent cycles of different lengths. One is the base unit of all of them, being the 5-day Erisian week. The others are all multiples of this:

5 Days: 'Short Week'
115 Days: 'Little Year'
365 Days: 'Earth Year'
495 Days: 'Long Year'
831105 Days: 'Long Week'

The Long Week is the harmonic cycle of the three kinds of Year, and represents the cycle in which their various dates coincide: at the same point in each Long Week, the dates of each kind of year are the same. It is therefore 2277 Earth Years long, 7227 Little Years long, and 1679 Long Years long.

The Little Year has weekdays named for Erisian weekdays: Sweetmorn, Boomtime, Pungenday, Prickle-Prickle, and Setting-Orange.
The Earth Year has Gregorian Weekdays: Sunday, Wednesday, Friday, Monday, Saturday, Thursday, and Saturday.
The Long Year has Penguin weekdays: Chaos, Discord, Revelation, Confusion, Irritation, Worry, Anger, Fear, and Bliss.

The Little Year has 5 months, also named for Erisian Weekdays, only in the opposite order, of 23 days each, numbered normally.
The Earth Year has 13 months of 28 days each, except February, which has 29. They have normal Gregorian names, except Bung, which goes between June and July.
The Long Year has 11 months of 45 days each. These days aren't numbered, but have a penguin-weekday hyphenated with the number of that weekday in the month. The months have these names (in order, this time): Fred, Ethel, Bung, Julian-Mymosh, Wombat, Rising-Podge, Boomthyme, Primethyme, Harry, Trudy, and Leslie.
The current Long-Year DPP date is: [an error occurred while processing this directive]
As stated before, these years form long cycles. The longest is also CALLED the Cycle, and is 6709.5 years long (there are therefore three kinds of Cycle, and of each other cycle, named for the kind of year that makes it up), this consBLATTTs of 9 Eras of 745.5 years length, each of which is named for a Penguin weekday (the Eras, not the years), and each consBLATTT of 9 Seasons, also named for penguin weekdays, of 82 5/6 years length.

So anyway, that about sums up the three dating systems except to note that the Long Week also forms the Godly Years, but this hardly matters, as the first Little Year in Godly years hasn't even passed yet, though I suppose you could keep going up and up to longer and longer cycles, but that'll only be worth BOTHERING when 23 Long Weeks are up (in a little over 245000 years) and we have to start fiddling around with GNU dating systems or something, or maybe adding a digit to the front of the year number. Not that we'll still be using that calendar by then... But I'll think of something when it happens.

Note, programmer wanted to create a web based conversion page between the traditional Gregorian calendar and the Penguin calendar. Please send email to Half-Mad, at the domain listed here, churchofmoo.com.


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